Writing competition – unpublished novel contest

Agents are overwhelmed, the traditional book industry looks like Mount Doom and everyone with a book in them has already had theirs surgically removed.  You write yours, all full of youthful energy and enthusiasm. Well, at the start you are. By the end you are eighty nine years old. You send it to an agent. Look at me, you say, I wrote a book!

Well bully for you, they say. You and every other wanker who’s ever learned to type.

This can be a tad discouraging, after wasting a year or two of your life on your beloved masterpiece. I mean, you typed all those words. You spell-checked. It might even be not entirely bad. Why won’t they reeeead it?

It’s because you don’t have friends in right places, you think bitterly. It’s because you didn’t go to the right university. It’s because your parents never had the right connections. It’s because you have to work for a living.

It’s because you have nothing to show for your writing other than the ninety-odd thousand words you have so invitingly threatened to make them read. And because of Clause 74 of Sod’s Law, which says that you must already have published before you can get an agent.

My excuses days are over. This year I am taking positive, proactive, productive steps to advance what I would like to be a writing career. Or, or put it another way, found useful ways to procrastinate.

Three terrifying things have I found, and these are they:

The Lightship First Chapter competition appears to be an annual competition for the best first chapter. The contest is based entirely on that chapter, and the winner receives a year’s mentoring from a top writer, agent and publisher, who will consider publication if the fully grown beast is of sufficient quality at the end of that year. The closing date is June 30th 2012.

The Yeovil Literary Prize are running a Best Novel contest, judged by Sophie Hannah. They are looking for the first 15k words of your novel and the closing date is May 31st 2012.

Finally, there is the Paris Literary Prize, which is looking for the best novella between 17-35k words. The winner and two runners up will get a trip to Paris to pick up their prizes and who could ever say no to that?

These each require elevator pitches and summaries of varying lengths, and to that end I am going to work away on those nasty mean biting things, because frankly, without an indisputable deadline I will never write an elevator pitch or a summary of any length whatever. I am also going to spend some time looking at the appropriate lengths of sections and seeing what I can polish, or stick together with glue and sticky tape. Forced editing is good for the soul.

The novella one is intriguing, for a start because I am not writing a novella. However I do have a book within a book. And the interior book really ought to function as a novella, which makes this a good opportunity to sit down with it properly and kick it into shape.

Extremely focussed procrastination


There are various ways to approach a task. Let’s call this task ‘building an Ikea flat-pack monument to your own bloody-minded stupidity.’ For example.

You’ve been thinking about the flat-pack-monument-to-stupidity for ages. Like, at least a day. You really want it. Or you did for half an hour this morning at any rate. Buying it was quite fun, if you are missing several of your senses along with what should be a natural instinct to not wander into giant concrete mazes of dizzying confusion and claustrophobia. Getting it home was not an insurmountable problem. Just one thing left, of course. The bit where you put it together.

Here is what I do, both with flat-packed torture devices and with writing.

I take it all out of the box very quickly, so as to overcome any temptation to just shove the box in a corner and leave it there for two months. If it is all out of the box and all over the floor and I can’t open or close the door because there are lumps of wood in the way then I will have to put it together and finish it all the way to the very end, right?

Yeah. Right.

Most of the pieces of wood are magnetically repulsed by one another, especially the ones that the instructions insist are supposed to be joined together, and the only way to make them stay in place is to make liberal use of the glue provided. Once the glue has been used, the pieces that have been glued together in holy matrimony (let no man pull asunder) turn out to be the wrong pieces even though you have checked them three times. Or else they are the right pieces, but they are the wrong way round and back to front and upside down, and Tab M cannot be inserted into Slot 14, at least not in any way that will produce a wardrobe. After two hours’ hard labour, there are two pieces of wood that will never come apart and eighteen pieces of wood that will never be attached, and the thing looks quite a lot like a piece of modern art, but not one in which you could ever hope to hang clothes. Or sleep in. Or whatever it was supposed to be for.

It’s not like you really needed a bed anyway. The floor is fine.

This is what I can achieve by getting everything out of the box very quickly. Or by taking all the thoughts out of my brain and dumping them in a word document.

So this time, I am going to play it sane. There’s a first time for everything. This time, I have not thrown myself headlong down a well and been indignant about the resulting brain damage. Instead, over the last year, I have climbed a little further down the well during the periods when I know I have the time. These are called ‘holidays’. I have plenty of them. What I do not have is the time to submerge myself in characters and new worlds when I am carrying out a full-time-plus job. I know this about myself.

But that doesn’t mean I will do nothing in the in-between-times. Oh no. Because I have learned, oh world, that hurtling headfirst towards the final word count is not in fact my ultimate goal. The goal, rather, is to be a published writer. A completed manuscript at a particular word count, even one I am pleased with, is not the goal. It’s a vital requirement, sure. But an anonymous writer sending a completed manuscript into the world is pissing against the wind. We all know that.

This time, I’m going to use my non-holidays (these are called ‘working weeks’) to do things that will, or might, move me towards the actual goal. That means writing contests of various types, working in the background on summaries and application letters, doing the things that would usually only occur to me when I sit down with a product to sell.

This time, I will try to do the self-promotion and the production in parallel.

I’ve never tried common sense before. I’ll let you know how it goes.